Monday, August 8, 2011

Identity Crisis

I can remember the days before email, like most of my readers can. I was a junior in high school when I discovered this magical mailing system and a freshman in college before I had my own yahoo email account. Before then, I knew who I was as best a hormonal, angry, feisty, teenager with angst could. So I wonder what my email id would have been back then. perhaps? All likely suspects.

When I graduated, as the story goes, I joined the Army Nat'l Guard. In a sea of college students, that's what set me apart. Thus, I was It was how people knew me, what I was known for. My American Sign Language name given to me by my Deaf friend was the sign for Army with a C. When I ran, it was for Army training. I wore my Army PT shirt proudly and scoffed at people who got theirs from surplus stores. But as you know, people change.

I got married, had a kid. My identifier shifted from soldier to mommy. And so the era of began. Which was great! I love being Mom and saying that's what I do. When kid number two came around, I realized I will have to change my email address. Can't mention one without the other right? So I started trying to think of something neutral. Something that represents me and me alone. Me sans kids. Me sans husband. Just me.

I couldn't come up with anything. *Gasp* What does this mean? Am I not my own person anymore? Have I lost my identity?? Am I solely known as wife/mom now? I love that I'm those things, but I guess this is part of why moms/wives feel a little lost sometimes. From sun up to sun down, our days are spent caring for others. When I do do something for myself, I feel selfish like I'm stealing something from my family.

So that leaves I did manage to come up with something a little more creative than that, however it means the same thing. But that doesn't mean I don't enjoy other things for myself. I have a couple of hobbies. I have friends. Hubby and I get to do grownup things every once in a while. But that's my identity right now. I'm Mom. That's how the two most important people in the world know me. I'm Wife, too. That's how the third most important person knows me.

Eventually it will change again. When the kids get older and have identities of their own, I will have more time to explore mine. As weird as it is, though, being known as what I am for someone else, I couldn't see it any other way.

This is me now.

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