I ask myself that almost on a daily basis. I'm sitting in my old spit-up-stained recliner courtesy of honyock #1 while attached to honyock #2 and as I sing all the words to Yo Gabba Gabba's latest hit, I think, what the BLEEEEEP happened? Seriously. Yesterday I was a carefree, club-hopping college kid. I was in the Army. I had lots of friends whose conversations were about professors and meaningless jobs and which jeans made our butts look great. It was even laughable to be broke. No money? No worries, just hit up Taco Bell for every meal until payday. I was vivacious and vicarious. I was fun. Time to switch, sides that is. Mia has been going to town on my righty and it's time to move her to the other side. Kablamo. I'm back to the present.
I like my life. I chose my life and would choose it again. But I still don't feel like an active participant in my daily routine. As Shea would say, I'm being reactive, not proactive. Finding myself again isn't easy. Two humans depend on me for every single thing. That in itself is often overwhelming. Then there's the responsibility of being a wife. A stay-at-home wife. Shea and I joke that he would be a much better housemom than I am. Well, it's not always funny when I've forgotten to take of this or that or something else important.
So, where am I in all of that? I've started doing some crafts for friends and a few others and I've started running again, albeit slowly and painfully. But still both of those things are mine. All mine and completely for me and my mental and physical well-being. Still those are squeeeezed into nap times and they're the first things to get nixed from the program when time is short.
I guess that question-who the hades am I?- is what prompted this blog. At the urging my Auntie Wobin, I sat down and started writing and tried to really think about what I wrote instead of shooting hate daggers at the two (yes, two. don't judge) baskets of laundry I didn't fold sitting within arms length. Maybe I'll answer the question, maybe not. Some things haven't changed. I still like The Beach Boys and tooty-fruity. I still quote Friends almost daily. But. Myyyy oh my, how things have changed.
All I know is, I'm still here. I'm still keepin on and doing the best I can for my kids. This is me. This is me, now.